Three moms sat down to chat about mom life and to compare our neurotypical vs. neurodivergent experiences.
Sometimes, I feel shame about not having better systems in place. I've got Post-it notes everywhere, or I'll have half-filled notebooks and journals, but I don't always keep track of them like this one is specifically for this train of thought. So then it's like, wait, where did I write that note or that great idea? Which notebook is that in?
Finding Order in Chaos
With ADHD, they call it cognitive offloading, where writing things down is a support to help you from forgetting. So I've got notes to myself everywhere, but then I’m thinking: there's got to be a more efficient way to cognitive offload and to keep these things in order.
Elena: I mean, same here. Because I also have ADHD. I find myself brain-dumping all the things, and I can't even always read them.
But to speak to your point, Melissa, it's like, of course at all levels- we tend to have this shame around it “should” be done this way. Because we're taught: if you're organized, you have your planner and this is how you do it.
And I think for years I tried to do that. And recently just embraced a piece of paper and a pen. I mean, I wrote this with my toddler's marker and it's like, if it works- great.
Identifying Shame and Comparison in Our Life Approaches
Megan: I’ve found it so interesting, learning from you Melissa, about neurotypical versus neurodivergent strategies. And so I'm curious, you said that you do it one way, but you feel like you “should” do it another way. Knowing what you know about neurowiring, what is actually most supportive when you're neurodivergent?
Because you’ve taught me what works for neurodivergents works for everyone. And I find myself craving + thinking: Oh, I wish I was neurodivergent. Like when I hear about successful entrepreneurs because of the strengths their neurowiring offers them, I think: Oh, maybe I struggle in this area because I'm not that.
Melissa: It's so interesting hearing you say you desire neurodivergent strengths. Then you start (not shaming, that might be a strong word), but you start envying these attributes. And that is so fascinating to me. I think it also speaks to this human experience where we're always comparing ourselves to other people. And that's where the shame comes up.
So it's like me writing all this stuff down, actually works for me. Cognitive offloading is a skill that we, as ADHD people, can use to remember things and ease our anxiety.
But I think it's that subconscious nudge we all have about: are we doing it right? Or we're not doing it like the next person. It's that comparison piece, no matter how you're wired.
We're all doing that to ourselves whether our system is working or not. My system actually works for me, but I'm shaming myself because it doesn't look as pretty, maybe as someone whose executive functioning is a strength, you know?
Elena: That made me think of how you’ve been feeling shame around being very organized. Which is mind blowing to me, and I'm so excited to hear more about it because I never thought of it that way.
I'm like, here's the gold standard. Here's what you're supposed to do, and the shame comes when you can't actually reach that. You're the second person I've heard this month say some version of: Yeah, but I feel embarrassed. Like, do I go too far this way? Would it be more fun and creative and spontaneous if I wasn't so type A organized?
Megan: Yeah, I wrote in my notebook yesterday that I think I over plan and I under execute. Prior to the mindset work I've done, I would always think:
What's the most efficient way to do XYZ?
How can I make whatever I’m doing the most organized?
The most streamlined?
And then I get myself on this planning hamster wheel- weighing all the shoulds to execute my goal. I used to say to myself: do it right or don't do it at all. Which is a terrible, terrible mantra to use.
And so there wasn't room for executing- let alone with error. As I've been working through that and my mindset stuff, it's like, okay, breathe. It's okay to do something different every time. It doesn't have to be so systematized. There isn’t one right way.
I feel like I’m often pulled in two directions, thinking: Maybe if I chilled out a little bit, I wouldn't drive myself so crazy.
Recognizing Our Internal Narrative + Perfectionism
Melissa: I can totally relate to that. We're different, but we're also so the same. I hear some perfectionism coming out in you as you speak, which I can fully relate to. And I also feel the exact same way if my space is chaotic. If my space is disorganized, I feel so anxious inside that I can barely breathe.
I cannot show up and relax and be present and play with my kids if my house is a mess. And then I shame myself for that because it's like, why does that matter? And I also think, I “should” be able to still show up in this way. And so it's this internal struggle, which is so interesting because I hear you saying that, too, Megan. It's like this internal battle with accepting ourselves the way that we are. Like maybe it's okay that we need our space to feel put together in order to feel calm. It’s not that anything is wrong with us that we need that.
Elena:
What I'm hearing is such a common throughline that we are incredibly hard on ourselves. And I don't know a woman who isn't. I don't know anyone who isn't struggling with that in some way, shape, or form, whether they have kids or not. There's this internal voice constantly going: do better, be better, do more, do less, be different.
…. And that's exhausting.
Melissa: So true.
It's almost like we can't win no matter how we're wired or how we do things.
If I had my house perfect, I might beat myself up for not being more present and playing with my kids. Or if I'm playing with my kids and my house isn't clean, then I'm beating myself up for that. It's almost like this can't-win situation.
I'm really curious, Elena- how do you approach feeling better in this kind of way?
Changing Our Self-Talk Patterns
Elena: The first thing I always do, and I always come back to is having intention around our self talk.
It's very easy to say, here are five ways to declutter your pantry, or here are 10 easy hacks for keeping the kids’ playroom put together… and that's all valid. That's all important.
However, if we're doing those things and we still have that internal judgment all the time, or like I saw a post that made my heart so sad. It was something like, you're so embarrassed because your neighbor's coming over. Here's how you fix it. And it was like five ways to clean your house quickly.
And I'm like, no, no, no, no. There's a layer deeper, which is let's let go of the embarrassment that you're a human being who has a house that's not perfect.
So, I think part of it is that we can't change the world around us and the messaging, but we can change our internal messaging.
We can start with this almost internal cheerleader. I'm doing it at this point that it’s almost silly. I'm saying to myself like: Wow, Elena, you got your daughter to school on time today. Or you remembered to take the trash out and did one of your morning resets.
This self-talk, even if it sounds cheesy at first, becomes a new way of thinking when you start doing it. And then you start doing it on autopilot.
So, I believe that before any of the hacks and tips (which are vital), you have to start with that self-care voice.
Because otherwise you're going to do it all, but you're still going to feel terrible. Especially if you're sensitively wired. Because we just don't need one more thing to be hard on ourselves about.
Megan: The internal cheerleader makes me think about mom life and how we so easily do that for our kids.
Especially Melissa, if we're coming from a strength-based lens, right? We're constantly like: you did so good. Oh, I noticed you did this. I've learned so much about that recently.
There was just something that clicked though, like, huh, isn't it funny that I would not do that for myself? I'm going to say those words all day long to everybody else around me.
Which reminds me of the old adage: you would never speak to your friend the way you speak to yourself. And it's like, cognitively, yes, execution wise, throw it out the window, you know?
Navigating Motherhood with ADHD
Melissa: I don't know if you feel this way too, Elena, as someone with ADHD I feel like that a lot. I was diagnosed my freshman year of high school, and the only solution I was really given was, okay, here's your medication to help you focus, which helped me focus through high school and college. But then, once I got through school, I no longer took the medication, and it was like real world, and mom life, and work life, and then going back to school as an adult.
And no one actually taught me these strategies. I have challenges with executive function, and no one taught me how to help myself or how to put supports in place so that I can move through life in a way that feels better.
And now, all of a sudden, I'm a mom, and I have kids with similar neurowiring, and I'm the leader in charge of scaffolding all of this for them.
There was a moment in my parenting where I was like, I don't even know how to do this for me. Especially when you have ADHD, we become more symptomatic when we’re overloaded and bombarded with more demands. And who's bombarded with more than a mother?
I feel like so many women who are neurodivergent, who maybe don't even know it yet or discovered it later in life, or even were identified when they were young, like I was, weren't given strategies. And then we're put in these positions where we're just supposed to know how to do it and that internal voice beats ourselves up that we aren't doing it right or better.
So maybe we can be gentler on ourselves as we're learning how to support our kids?
We're really, truly reparenting ourselves and showing up for ourselves in these situations. Trying to figure out how to do these things, too, is just a lot, right?
Elena: A lot, especially because there are multiple steps to each of these things. Speaking as someone who has ADHD, I have a limited amount of energy in the morning, especially to do things I really don't love doing.
If it's having these conversations or hyper-focusing on something creative- I’ve got energy for days. But when we're talking about being somewhere on time, keeping the house clean- the drudgery of day-to-day task-oriented work- I’m out.
We don't always realize that there are a lot of steps. Like the laundry for example:
You need to sort it first
Put it in the wash
Remember to take it out
Put it in the dryer
Fold it that night so it's not wrinkled
We're so hard on ourselves when there really is more than meets the eye with these sorts of “simple” tasks.
I was only diagnosed with ADHD just over a year ago with the help of our mutual friend Alex Reed. (Thank goodness.) But I wish I'd known years and years ago because I feel like it would have clarified so much. I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.
Megan: Yeah, I think it's interesting, too, what you're saying:
I don't know how to do this for me.
I feel like even as a neurotypical person, I feel like I'm building the plane and trying to fly it at the same time when I'm with my kids, because who ever taught any of us how to self regulate, right? Or talk to ourselves in a certain way.
No shame to previous generations- nobody taught anybody that. But now we are. And that can feel really overwhelming.
Every day is like a train whooshing by, and I'm just trying to keep up with it.
So, I had this thought when you were speaking, Melissa. I live in a world where I'm trying to slow down, and I talk a lot about slow living and feminine business. I have a feeling that there's this beautiful intersection between what works for neurodivergent people and what actually plays well into slow living and, again, supports everybody. And so, I'm curious from both of your angles: What are tips that are very supportive for neurodivergent people?
Productivity, Organization, and Time Management Tips for Neurodivergent Moms
