Have you ever felt like this?
“Okay, I know this isn't working for my child. Something needs to shift in this environment, this school, or this classroom.”
“This approach is not building my child's confidence.”
“My child is not feeling seen.”
“My child is not engaged in school.”
“My child is not loving learning.”
Or, “I know they're bright and capable, but their needs aren't being met, and I don't know how to articulate this.”
This can be a sticky spot for us as parents, especially if we're neurodivergent ourselves and have combated some of this people-pleasing and masking. We may not want to call attention to ourselves, be a problem, or be difficult (hello, old stories from our youth).
Navigating Personal Insecurities as a Neurodivergent Parent
It can really be this moment of truth where we need to advocate on behalf of our children, yet it's poking at all of our own insecurities and things that we maybe haven't fully worked through.
So often, we’re put in this position to advocate and communicate on behalf of our child, but maybe we're worried it's not going to be received. Or we feel defeated before we even begin because we wonder if this is even going to matter or translate into any sort of change.
We may think things like the educational system is so big, and the school does things these certain ways, and I don't want to single my kid out. Or maybe our child doesn't want us singling them out.
And it's just a tricky dance.
Overcoming Hurdles in Advocating for Your Child
There’s an art to coming at it where you can say hey, I know you've got a lot of kids in your classroom, and I really love the way that you're doing A, B, C, and D. What I'm noticing at home — and what I'd love to share with you — are some things that really work for my child that I think would make their day smoother in the classroom.
Broaching that conversation can be nerve-wracking. It pokes at all of our own insecurities.
We don't want to be difficult. We can even gaslight ourselves into thinking it's not that big a deal. We can start writing that email and then delete it—I don't want to call attention to my kid, I don't want to be a problem.
And the truth is we have to come back to trusting ourselves and what we know is true for our family. It's not uncommon that the traditional school setting would not be a match for your neurodivergent child.
So what do we do?
Initiating Conversations with Educators by Building Relationships
I always recommend starting that conversation with the teacher first, creating a relationship with them, and sharing what you see at home.
Share what works for your child in other environments and allow your kid to have a voice in the conversation. Often, our kids intuitively know what works for them. As adults, we want to be like, oh no, no, let me tell you what you know. Let me tell you what works for you.
When we honor and allow space for the child's perspective, it gives them a sense of autonomy, builds confidence in their understanding of themselves, and is often more effective.
Because what they do naturally or how they want to approach things naturally is probably the way that works best for them.
Resources for Effective Communication with Your Child’s Teacher
So, as a bridge to all of this, I want to share with you guys a resource that I created in grad school with some of my peers. It's a shareable pamphlet that is just an easy way to start that conversation with your child's teacher.
It's something you can leave with them that breaks down the five different environments in the classroom—the intellectual, physical, emotional, social, and creative environments. It provides specific suggestions that can be applied to the classroom and is cited and referenced by the most current research in the field of neurodiversity.
It's a nice way to overcome the intimidation of taking the initial step and starting the conversation when we may not be super confident in our own understanding just yet. But we know we need to speak up and make some adjustments so that the classroom is a safe place where our children can thrive.
And here's the thing: what works for our neurodivergent students actually works for all kids. Because what neurodivergent students need in the classroom benefits neurotypical kids, too.
So it's really this shift in normalizing more flexibility, more creativity, more autonomy. Different ways of working in the classroom. Different ways of receiving information and showing what you know. Really providing more choice for everybody.
So, I just want to validate our feelings about this whole experience. It is so real and not easy.
Validating the Challenges of Parental Advocacy
And parents, you're doing it. You’re stepping through all of this to speak up on behalf of your kids while regulating all of your own stuff that's coming up for you—I'm so proud of you! Honestly, that is such a brave, hard thing to do.
Because we've been trained that teachers are the experts. They know what’s best, and our voice as parents is sort of on the back burner. We can even be a bit gaslit, like we're an inconvenience or that squeaky wheel, right? And it can make us not want to take action.
I just want to encourage you to move through those triggers, follow your gut, and follow your intuition. You really do know your child better than anyone.
It's not always easy, and some people will be more responsive and receptive than others. And sometimes that's the information, too, right? Perhaps the information is that you're knocking on a closed door, and it's time to pivot and find a different environment.
It's all part of the process, and it's certainly not going to be the same for all of us.
But I want to drop this resource in as something that might boost your confidence in taking that step. It gives you something tangible to share, a way to start that conversation, and information that you can trust that's backed by research.
I see you. I'm proud of you. I'm cheering you on. I know this is not an easy role to play, and it's not one we necessarily choose but find ourselves in. And I want you to know you're not alone in it.
So drop me a note. Let me know. Have you experienced this?
Do you feel challenged by your role as a parent advocate? Do you feel challenged by the things that come up in conversations with your kids, teachers, and the school?
I'd love to hear your experiences.
A Resource for Effective Communication with Your Child’s Teacher