Hi friends.
I have to tell you, I’ve been feeling really good lately, and to be honest it feels a little weird because I'm realizing feeling good is not a sensation I'm super familiar with.
I've shared with you guys before that I spent much of my life in fight or flight and then the last few years, really in a state of functional freeze, and feeling very disconnected from my body.
I started doing this work with Brit Piper, my mentor and friend. She has this wonderful program called Body First Healing and she is who introduced me to what it feels like to truly be in my body.
So for the last four months, I've been on this journey of slowing down…
feeling into my sensations
getting curious
not judging the way I feel
and honoring where I am.
And I have to tell you guys, my mind is blown.
I've been on this path for so long, of self-healing through:
traditional talk therapy
coaches
programs
degrees
and all the things
Thinking, “I can think and do my way into finding safety in my body.”
And it never worked.
I feel like I've been let in on this little secret and I just have to share it with you.
That’s why I've been talking about the nervous system and bringing it into this world of neurodivergence.
Because at the end of the day, we are the creators of our reality. We create our experiences and as neurodivergent people, we're not dealt an easy hand, right?
So never, ever minimizing when:
we’ve been victimized
when things are unfair
and when things are hard
it's so important to be real and honest and to validate the truth of those experiences, to heal and support ourselves.
And also to take radical ownership over our healing, our experiences, our mothering, and how we're contributing to our relationships.
Because we're co-creating everything. Everything outside of us stems from something internal. So when we start to get in touch with that, it's empowering.
And so I want to share with you guys a story that happened to me in real time, just this past weekend…
I had such an amazing aha moment where I got to witness this full circle.
So my son plays football and he had this incredible game a few weeks back where he scored a touchdown and we were all so excited.
My dad is a photographer and he diligently films everything, capturing all the moments throughout the season.
So here comes this moment where Jake has this amazing play and my dad thought he hit record and he didn't.
He missed the moment and didn't get the footage.
And, to me, it was kind of funny and I thought, “We'll get it somewhere else. Not a big deal.”
At this point, I've gotten so much better about being softer with myself when I make mistakes that it's very natural for me now to be soft with other people. It didn't cross my mind as that big of a deal.
The next day, I was talking to my dad and I was like, “Hey Dad, good news. We found that footage of Jake.”
And he was like, “Oh, thank goodness. I was up all night, beating myself up about this thing. I couldn't sleep.”
And I got this little window into how my dad treats himself when he makes mistakes.
And in that moment, I just had so much compassion.
Fast forward a couple of weeks later, we're at a football game again...
And Jake forgot his helmet. He calls me from the game in a panic.
And I'm like, “It's fine. No big deal. I'll run and grab it from your locker. It's all good mistakes happen. We all forget stuff.”
So I was late to the game and when I told my parents why.
My dad's reaction was like, “How could he forget that?” You know, very hard on him for making that mistake.
And it all just made so much sense… Of course, this is a pattern.
Because we can’t give to others what we can’t give to ourselves.
That's how we pass things down.
Shifting generational cycles through the nervous system
And I had this pat myself on the back full circle moment of, Heck yeah, I'm shifting that cycle.
This work has allowed me to have so much compassion for my parents.
And then for their parents.
And how this all came to be.
I got to see in real time how the cycle has impacted me in my lineage. And how I have then unconsciously passed it down to my kids- once I noticed how I was showing up for myself when I made mistakes.
Only then, was I able to:
Show up differently.
And truly feel softer and more understanding when my children make mistakes.
Which then makes them feel safer to make mistakes.
This is how we get to release the burden of perfectionism that so many of us pass down unconsciously without even knowing it.
It seems like such a small story, but it was truly a light bulb moment
And that’s what doing this work and starting to find these moments of ventral has given me. A greater sense of connection to myself.
What is the Ventral State of the Nervous System?
The Ventral state is at the top of the Polyvagal Ladder.
That safe, connected space.
That state of rest and digest where we can experience joy and play and connection with other people and ourselves.
I honestly didn't know that I didn't know how to be in ventral.
There was a time not too long ago when I was like: “I want to have fun and I don't know how. I want to feel safe and I don't know how.”
And I'm telling you guys understanding our body and the nervous system and creating space to be with our discomfort in this way has been a direct correlation to the amount of joy and freedom I now feel in my body.
There's this amazing quote by Kahlil Gibran: The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
That's exactly what I'm experiencing right now in my life.
The more I create the capacity to be with the uncomfortable things I've been suppressing and avoiding.
And move through the discomfort of being seen.
And unmasking and setting boundaries.
And speaking my truth.
And taking a moment to pause and self-regulate and get conscious about the life I want to be creating.
I'm feeling what it feels like to be happy for the first time in a very long time.
It sounds so simple and it kind of is once I started getting on the right path and that's why I'm so excited to share all this stuff with you.
I kind of feel like a little kid. Like I can tap into that playful side of myself again that I had lost access to for so long. It’s empowering because I now have this roadmap on how to get myself there.
And I'm not trying to be Pollyanna…
Like, oh, now it's all sunshine and roses and everything is easy and great all the time.
Absolutely not.
It's still life.
But I now feel more empowered regarding what I can handle when things get uncomfortable.
I have the tools.
I feel confident within myself to create safety within my body to find my way back to ventral and connection.
I have this fluidity now within my nervous system.
Creating a somatic lifestyle
I'm also discovering that I'm creating this sort of somatic lifestyle for myself where I know what works for me and my nervous system.
This is such a personal journey so knowing:
the tools you need when you’re stuck in each state are crucial- i.e. freeze, fawn, fight or flight.
Knowing how to meet yourself there.
Along with having ventral anchors- those things that you know feel safe to your nervous system.
For me, that's getting out in the sunshine or putting my bare feet on the earth. I immediately feel grounded in my body when I do these things. Or a walk on the beach or maybe it's co-regulating with my dogs or my kids, or going to a yoga class or getting a massage.
I know my things and I also now understand the importance of having those things in my life as proactive measures.
A part of me used to think…
That taking care of myself was selfish. I was a bit in that martyr energy of: “Being a good mom means I have no needs. And I sacrifice everything.”
And it's like: No, being a good mom is showing my kids how to take care of yourself and how to have your own back and how to create joy in your life so that you can be there for other people from a grounded self loving place.
We've all heard it a million times.
“You've got to fill your own cup first or put your oxygen mask on first or whatever.” There's a million ways of saying it, but it's like, we know it, but do we feel the resonance and how critical this really is?
In order to show up for our kids, we have to show up for ourselves.
And so I feel like understanding the resources that make my nervous system feel safe and making them non-negotiables in my lifestyle has created this window into safety that I can access now.
And this is why I've been speaking to the nervous system and bringing these tools to you guys over on the paid side.
I want you to have these foundational pieces that you can go to, to get started and meet yourself where you're at without judgment.
Because the truth is: When we feel good and we know how to do this for ourselves. We then know how to not only, teach our kids to do these things, but also how to hold space and show up for them in the ways they truly need.
Patterns get passed down generationally often without awareness.
We can't create this for our kids if we haven't done it for ourselves first. And that's why I keep coming back to: When we heal the mom, we heal the kid. It starts with us. Mothers are the root.
We are truly shifting cycles when we begin to invest in ourselves.
Where we truly change is when we get to know the cycles we're perpetuating within our own families and understand:
How to build our kids up to be resilient
And Give them the tools they need to navigate this world that can be unfair and not designed for them.
And how to support them with the skills to regulate their nervous system, to understand their strengths, to have confidence in their abilities, and to feel empowered enough to create a world that does work for them.
And this all starts with us doing it for ourselves, first.
Let me know what you think:
I'm so excited to share this work with you and I'm really curious to hear if this lands with you or what things you're most interested in hearing more about.
I would love, love to hear from you. You are not alone!
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