My friend, Jacqui recently shared how a top down approach and talk therapy has not been enough for her. She is still disassociating from her feelings and body after years of being invalidated as a neurodivergent person (relatable right?)
So as she’s finishing up her Polyvagal Felt Sense certificate, I asked her to join our paid community to share how this methodology is helping her feel more and disassociate less (and to walk us through a live session so you can use this resource too.)
What to do if you’ve been disassociating from your body
Jacqui: This process, has helped me get back into my body and realize, Oh, wait, I don't even have the vocabulary to describe what's going on in my body.
It's been really helpful for me to even explore describing these sensations and to take a moment to really feel and get out of that dissociative state that is my familiar. It’s unfamiliar for me to really feel.
I feel like neurodivergents who have been diagnosed later in life, like myself, we've been so dissociated from feeling because others aren't feeling the same intensity or we're downplaying our sensations.
When, that music (for example) really is hurting my ears. So this practice has really allowed me to validate my sensations in a way where I can just sit with it and feel it and get re-tuned into my body again.
Melissa: It's almost like retraining our bodies that feeling is safe. We know the nervous system is wired to think anything that's unfamiliar, even if it is safe, is unsafe. So our coping mechanism of dissociation is felt as safe. But with this, we get to shift that programming.
Jacqui: That's a hundred percent on point. What is truly safe does not feel safe for us because it's unfamiliar.
Melissa: So is this Polyvagal Felt Sense experience we’re going to do, is a somatic therapy? Is that how you would categorize it?
Jacqui: Yeah, this would be more of a somatic approach to, what I'm calling, re-tuning or retraining our body to feel safe and to feel.
It's combining the felt sense and a focusing session.
The concept of a focusing session is by Eugene Gendlin of focusing.org, and this method is really about being a good listener and focusing inward.
And then, Jan Winhall has developed the Felt Sense Polyvagal Model, as an approach to trauma and addiction, really stepping away from the 12 step model.
When talk therapy alone isn’t enough…
I'm learning all of these modalities, because the top down approach has not been enough for me. Talk therapy has not been enough. Because I'm still dissociating.
This is helping me getting back into my body and to stop dissociating and to feel safe within my body again. Co-regulating and doing this practice with someone live has helped me feel safe while doing it too.
Melissa: And you don't have to be in the same room, for this to work, right? You can co-regulate through listening to us doing this exercise today.
Tat’s one of the reason’s I’m so excited to share this resource with my community.
I feel like I'm addicted to dissociating. So the idea that we can start to stop the cycle of addiction to leaving my body and come back to feeling instead feels great.
Jacqui: It's funny you said that because, I was stopped drinking while I was taking this course because, for me, grabbing a drink was more of an associated, unhealthy coping strategy. I just felt like during this certificate, I wanted to stop drinking so that I could work on that and find other coping strategies to feel- anything.
To feel what I'm feeling- the anxiety, the anger, whatever it is.
So instead, I just got in the shower and I felt the water. Like, even though I want to dissociate right now, I can handle these emotions.
Melissa: Yes. You know what I've been noticing? I have been dissociating with scrolling on Instagram or shopping, you know?
We all have these, it could be alcohol, it could be even exercise. The activity is neutral, it's when we're using it and the intention behind it, that's not serving us.
If we're using it to escape feeling the feelings in our body.
Jacqui: Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. So becoming aware and taking a moment to go inward and to feel and to be just to be with it.
Melissa: Which is so confronting, right? I feel like we're all running from that because we've laid those neural pathways but now we’re realizing we need to redirect them and it’s uncomfortable.
But it's like, what we're running from the most is actually what heals us the most. It’s what we need the most, right? The thing that feels the hardest is probably the medicine.
Regulating our systems all day
Jacqui: Exactly. And our perception of regulation being linear, is a misconception.
It comes with a lot of self shame, like: “Why can't I be regulated or calm all day?”
But regulation is not about being calm. Regulation is about being flexible to be with the swirls, right? Because it's not a line.
And that's uncomfortable for us, right? Because it feels like that's wrong, but it's not actually.
Melissa: I'm so glad you're bringing this up because I think we have this misperception of: if we're regulated all day, we're doing it “right.”
And if we're dysregulated, we're doing something wrong. And that triggers those negative thought loops of shame and I'm bad and why can't I get this together and all the things, which just makes us feel more dysregulated.
But when we can reframe it as, no, I'm not doing anything wrong. This is what the nervous system does. And pairing that with learning tools to be with it and bring ourselves back to a ventral state again- it helps us figure out how to be okay with being dysregulated. Knowing it’s a part of the human experience and that I'm not going backwards.
Jacqui: Right. Then being in a ADHDer we now know in learning about our brains, that we feel more intensely. So befriending our brain and not resenting our reactions or ourselves for big intensity of emotions, it’s ok- this comes with my brain, let's be friends. Let's figure this out.
Melissa: It's helping our nervous system when our response is softness, right?
The more we're judging and critical and why can't I be on time? Why didn't I allow extra time to figure out the tech or to get my cup of tea or make sure my dog's not barking.
I feel like for me, the habit has been so ingrained to go to the self judgment.
I literally have a picture of me in kindergarten as my screensaver right now to remind myself to be sweet to myself, to my inner child. Because when I do inner child work, I can find so much compassion for these little versions of me and how I got to where I am now. But sometimes I forget that’s me, right?
And so I'm trying to have her as a reminder of, how did I talk to her? Like, it's okay that you're late. It's normal that your body is having this reaction. It's your nervous system trying to keep you safe. Just trying to retrain that inner narrative I have going.
Chronic PTSD from our Neurowiring + Environments
Jacqui: It's crucial because our inner dialogue, it's still the same as when we were kids. And being a visual person, it's so powerful to see our little selves.
Melissa: It's like laying these new neural pathways to automatically go down a different thought path. This path has been walked so many times- to go down the shame path. The softness path is brand new path, so it’s like I’m walking through the forest trying to clear it and create it. So any reminders to: be softer, be softer, be softer.
Jacqui: I think we're similar in that we're learning to better understand ourselves to them better help other neurodivergents and families through our lived experiences.
And, you know, this topic of trauma and neurodivergence I feel there's not that much information about it. We have felt trauma and I think all the little t's end up being chronic PTSD.
The results of not trusting our bodies is real. And so this practice is helping me trust myself to feel safe in my body, in my sensations, and validate that what we have experienced in our lifetime, is safe.
And because of neuroplasticity we are able to rewire and retune and change that narrative- because that narrative has power.
So to make that loop a positive narrative versus the talk therapy, I still go, but sometimes it was just rewiring the negative story. I know that I needed more after seven years. Other modalities, like somatic work. It’s a “yes, and.”
Top down is important because of neuroplasticity, but also bottom up needs to happen in order to fully heal the mind-body connection. You know what I mean? That's what I'm calling yin and yang.
Melissa: Yeah. And I think also having a therapist who understands complex trauma.
So you're feeling validated and safe in your experiences from the top down and having these bottom up types of support.
Jacqui: The more we speak up about our lived experiences, the more we can heal collectively.
A live Felt Sense Experience Meditation
And that's why I love that you brought me on here today.
Melissa: If you're ADHDer, you need at least one ADHD friend to make you feel normal.
Jacqui: That's it!
So, are you in the space to clear your space and go inward now? Do you want to do that right now?
So, picture this like a live meditation. It's really about co-regulating and there's six steps (you're not going to feel it as six steps but there are for me.)
First, we're going to clear space.
And then we're going to that felt sense.
Then there's something called a handle, which we're going to think of a word or a phrase to describe the felt sense. Sometimes I don't have a word and I do like a gesture.
And then you're going back and forth, really getting into the body.
Asking
And then receiving.
Those are the six steps, but again, it's not gonna feel that way. I like to know what I'm getting myself into before.
Melissa: It's very dyslexic friendly. We like to know the big picture and then now I can think into what we're doing.
Jacqui: Exactly. Because then I will be like, so anxious of like, but what's next? What's next? Cool. So, bear with me, as I am too learning. But we're going to do this right now.
