Receiving an adult ADHD diagnosis
A question submitted by Jessica @jess_emvee
QUESTION: “Can we talk about the feelings that come up with not being diagnosed with ADHD or autism until adulthood?
I'm 36 and was just diagnosed with ADHD last year because I saw Instagram posts that I related to. Even though I've been treated for anxiety and depression for years with little relief from depression and have several therapists and doctors.
I’m really experiencing the stages of grief while relieved and grateful that I'm learning so much about myself, especially while parenting a toddler that I suspect may also be neurodivergent.
Melissa: I feel like this is such a common population of people right now that are receiving these later in life diagnoses.
On one hand, their lives are making sense and sort of clicking and coming together. And on the other, they don't really have the answers or solutions either.
You're not a kid anymore. No one's taking care of you. You're the responsible adult who's supposed to be the leader in a household and guiding children.
And maybe they're reflecting back your same challenges.
It's very overwhelming and disregulating for this population of people who are already more sensitive and easily overwhelmed and disregulated.
The feelings that follow a late-life diagnosis
Megan Barnett: 100%. I hear this so frequently. A lot of clients that I work with, the parents were later diagnosed, very similar to what this person's writing in about.
And I think that I've observed that there's a bit of grieving that happens because you're coming to these realizations.
Interestingly, I've also seen a lot of healing that comes from a parent parenting their neurodivergent child while also just understanding the "why" behind so many things that happened in their life.
Breaking through those kinds of traumas or labels of:
They were lazy
Or you always hear teachers say, if only they tried harder
That psychoeducation piece of understanding the "why" behind some of these experiences is crucial.
If you're later diagnosed, at least this all makes sense now. So for this person, I think it sounds like finding a neurodiversity-affirming and informed therapist would be huge to understand that psychoeducation piece. Really peeling back the layers of where the anxiety or the different behaviors is coming from.
And then also, it's another opportunity to start integrating just this new awareness and knowledge in your home and also for your kiddo. So they don't have to have the same experience.
The Reframe: Validation
Melissa: And I think there's a piece to it that, I was just talking to Kelsea Newman on the podcast about, (she's an occupational therapist specializing in sensory and trauma) and she was talking about how one of the best things we can do is validation therapy.
It’s something I’ve never heard of before so I don't know if that's an official term or not.
Megan Barnett:Validation is a central part of what I do too. I've never heard of that but I love it.
Melissa: I love it too.
Megan Barnett: There's so much power in feeling validated and feeling heard.
Melissa: Right, and I think as neurodivergent people, we tend to feel gaslit by society.
And then we tend to gaslight ourselves like, “Oh, this isn't a big deal.” “I shouldn't be so sensitive,” “I shouldn't be feeling this way,” or “this should be easier.”
And, I think it's validating for ourselves, that this experience is hard. We can feel these feelings of grief and sadness and frustration and that's okay.
We don't have to shame ourselves for those things. We can allow ourselves to feel it so we can move through it and come to the other side. I think it's that validating our own experience so often that softens some of it.
Navigating the feelings that follow an adult diagnosis
Megan Barnett: And also speaking about it, right? When we look at ADHD, for example, we often see that comorbidity with anxiety or depression.
And we know that some of the best ways to navigate anxious thoughts or feelings of deep depression can be telling others what you're going through.
And there's so much shame around that sometimes or secrecy. Like I don't want anybody to know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling because I am embarrassed about it, or I don't want anyone to know I'm struggling. Because we also see sometimes a lot of people have some perfectionism, right?
So how healing, how empowering it is to sit down with someone and share your struggles or what is actually going on and just release that.
I always tell my kiddos, anything you tell me that you're thinking or you're going through or are these thoughts, we'll figure it out.
I don't want you to be scared to say what you're feeling. Because if I don't know the answer, or I don't know how to navigate it, there's always someone who can support you. Instead of that secrecy of something's wrong with me. I'm broken and I don't want anybody to see it.
Melissa: I feel that personally in my life with things I'm trying to push myself. Because I struggle with perfectionism and I think that can tend to lead to being guarded about some of the messy stuff, right?
When you can actually be vulnerable and open up and be like, okay, I feel a lot of shame around the fact I'm_____. We've all done this.
Megan Barnett: Yes. We do this all the time. I saw this reel on Instagram, I forget what psychologist it was, but he said, there's this 8-minute phrase where you text your friend and you say, do you have 8 minutes? Because in 8 minutes, that ability to tell someone what you're going through, there's just so much that you can get from that human connection of sharing.
You and I do that all the time with our grad school work and different things, overcoming perfectionism, or all these different things you navigate throughout the day.
Knowing that you're not alone is what matters.
And it also helps like when we think from an executive function perspective, right? I always love to think about it on a neurobiological level.
If you're in a fight or flight or you're in a shame spiral, there's no way that your prefrontal cortex is going to be online to plan and prioritize and move past it.
So if you're spiraling in perfectionism or anxiety, there's no way that you can say, okay, how am I going to get through this paper or this post that I need to make? But by talking about it instantly, the prefrontal cortex lights up again, and we can shift back into those executive functions and task initiation and move through the challenges.
Melissa: I love that you’re reframing it like that because I definitely experience that.
Finding your ADHD community for support
Megan: You can know all the tools and strategies, but there is power and strength in a team.
I think that ties into this person feeling heard. Finding the right team, whether it's a therapist, an executive function coach, sharing it with friends and family.
It's so interesting when you start to share your experiences with others. Of course, you'll weed out the people who aren't aligned, but there's so much power in community. I found that with you, Melissa.
While this late diagnosis, is a very intense reality, moving forward, there's so much hope and so many possibilities in how to navigate the rest of your life.
Melissa: Absolutely. And these opportunities to step into a version of you that, maybe you've been shying away from.
Being more open.
Being more vulnerable.
Sharing.
And then what comes on the other side of that is this:
Feeling of connection
Of being seen
Of reducing some of the anxiety.
It's this co-regulation we can experience as adults when we're willing to share what we're going through. Because that shame hides, it brews, right? It makes us feel worse. And we think we're protecting ourselves, but actually it's like breeding the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity and anxiety.
Megan Barnett: 100%. 100%.
Connect with Megan:
The feelings that come up with a late in life ADHD Diagnosis